Behind every downloaded file is a team of seasoned operators with decades of combined
experience* and a
culture of radical accountability that remains, at this time, under active review.
We believe in transparency. What follows is everything our counsel has cleared us to share.
We trust them completely. You should trust us completely. These two facts are unrelated.
"Life lesson: don't trust a woman that's lying." Grant founded FloppyFetch after exiting three previous startups, two of which exited him first. He has never personally used the product, on principle, and considers this his single greatest strength as a leader.
Doesn't like developer conferences. Or developers. Or conferences. Noah hasn't written a line of code since 2014, but remains "extremely close to the codebase" in the way a landlord is close to a building. His camera has been off for two years, which the team has unanimously agreed to interpret as humility.
Favorite movie: In Diana Jones. Moe owns the product roadmap, which lives entirely inside his head and which he declines to write down for "security reasons." He describes himself as relentlessly data-driven, though no one has yet seen the data, the drive, or Moe before 11 a.m.
"There's no 'I' in team — but there are four in 'initiative restructuring.'" Anita joined us from a company she is legally unable to name, under an NDA she suspects she may have drafted herself. Her role is to align stakeholders — a process she defines as "scheduling" — and she has successfully aligned eleven of them so far this quarter.
Sue believes trust is earned — and then, ideally, quietly sold. She previously led security at a firm best known for a breach she describes as "a valuable learning experience for everyone except the nine million users." She is the only person here with two-factor authentication enabled, and she will not say on what.
Greg's surname is not available at this time. He oversees the money, the runway, and a number of accounts in jurisdictions he describes only as "tax-curious." When the board asks about our burn rate, Greg smiles — a gesture they have elected, for morale, to read as bullish.
We're hiring. We're always hiring. We are always hiring because people keep leaving, and we would genuinely like to know why.
Competitive equity in a company valued entirely by us. Unlimited vacation (untested). Free snacks (Greg is reviewing this).
All team members are real to the extent required by applicable law. Titles are self-appointed. "Combined experience" is a sum that does not account for overlap, gaps, embellishment, or the years 2018 through 2021, which several members decline to discuss. Greg's surname remains sealed. FloppyFetch Industries LLC is not a real LLC and its leadership is not, strictly, a real leadership.